I Love Him Still
by ruby-bee
Summary: ...For better or for worse I still love Alfred. It doesn't matter if he's gone. I'll love him until I die, then forever, and then some more. I will always love him. Human AU. Character death. USUK. T for cursing. [One-shot]


**_Disclaimer: Hetalia and all its characters belong to its rightful owners. There I said it. _**

**_Warnings: Cursing_**

* * *

"Matthew, are you sure you want me to do this? He is...was...your brother after all."

"Yeah I'm sure Arthur. I can't do it… It makes things official, you know? Plus I didn't write anything, I couldn't do it. I doubt anyone can hear me anyways," Matthew hoarse whisper can barely be heard above the light chatter. I suppose it's true.

Matthew looks terrible. His eyes are bloodshot, he's shaking like a leaf, his hair is a tangled blonde rats nest, and on top of it all he's congested and hoarse. I know for a fact he hasn't had much sleep. I can't simply let him down. Alfred's death weighs heavily on us both, but I do think he's in a worse condition than I am. He did lose a brother after all. His twin at that. I have to do this. I can't back out now. It's an honor he's even letting me do this.

"All right then. Watch the children for me then? I don't want them to go near the casket."

He shakes his head in confirmation.

I squat down and place a hand on my children's shoulders and murmur, "Right then. Alice, George I am going to leave you with uncle Matthew for a bit, while I make a speech, is that okay?"

Alice nods her little brunette head and places a protecting arm around her twin. "Okay Daddy", she quietly mumbles. George shifts around uncomfortably but manages to nod his head. Seems today George doesn't mind Alice being the mouth piece. The heavy atmosphere must be getting to them. I don't assume they understand what's happening, but that's fine. I'll explain it to them eventually.

I stand up, straighten out my suit, and make my way, down the aisle of pews, to the podium that stands far too close to the open coffin for comfort.

The coffin is beautifully decorated in red, white, and blue, but even seeing the familiar colors it doesn't make me any less anxious. I can feel everyone's eyes boring holes into my back.

When I reach the podium everyone in the room has fallen silent. I take out my papers from my jacket pocket. I need to do this right.

I inhale and begin, "I suppose i should start from the beginning. The world was gifted Alfred F. Jones on July, fourth. The 'F' stands for Franklin. If he were here now he'd more than likely kill me for telling all of you, but that's what he gets for leaving in the first place. Anyways ever since he was a child, Alfred F. Jones has been stupidly brave. In fact, he always said that his first good deed was saving a cat from a tree when he was eight. He broke an arm from falling from the tree and for his trouble he had an allergic reaction to the cat. On that day something sparked within him. He wanted to be a hero. As he grew into a man, this spark turned in to a flame.

And I remember the day when I met him, many years later; it was before any of us knew what we were going to do with our lives and we were all stumbling around without a clue. He just waltzed into my tea shop, and ordered a coffee. Can you imagine the absurd smile on his face? When I gave him an earl grey and he took it in his stride with minimal insults to my tea, I knew that he really was something special. Especially now that I know he used to hate tea with a passion. He asked for my name and I gave him Arthur and in return I received Alfred. So after insulting my tea once more, Alfred began to openly flirt with me and when he asked me out to dinner, I deadpanned a, 'no'. Considering back then I wasn't even comfortable in my skin much less my sexuality. I can only wonder how he knew that I was gay. After everything he didn't get angry or disheartened with my rude rejection, he just chirped, 'sure', in his cheery, obnoxious voice, gave me a secretive smile, like we shared a joke, tipped me, and left.

I thought that was the end, but it truly was our beginning. I'm_ so_ thankful he didn't leave for good because of my horrible charm. After all I wanted to know the punch line to the joke we apparently shared.

In fact he came back the next day, trying to order coffee again, the git never truly learned," I look up and see smiles, there were a few chuckles from the crowd. After all it was such an Alfred thing to do, nobody else could be as absurd as he was. I continue, "I gave him chamomile instead. He drank it and asked me to sit with him that day. And I rejected him again. And again. And again. He did the same thing for months receiving the same answer. Let it be known that Alfred F. Jones was a very persistent and stubborn person. Possibly the most stubborn in the world, besides my daughter of course," when I say this Alice gives me a small grin. I don't know why my eyes are burning when she does that...

"...That was until the day I cracked and I practically yelled at the man that I'd go on one date with him if he would leave me alone unless he was able to win me over in thirty minutes or less. To say the least, he did just that. When we talked it was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it, right away, we understood each other. We knew what to say. There was this unstoppable force that had just kept us going for hours on end. There were countless more times like that. That was when things were brilliant and simple. It was love. It was electrifying. It gave me chills. It set my heart on fire. What we felt was indescribable. It left me breathless and on the verge of dying in which only he could blow life back into me. It constantly felt like my heart would burst. When we fought it was easy to forgive, to just fall back into each other. I don't know where he began and I ended. It made no sense; it had neither rhyme nor reason. It was so effortless to blurt out 'I love you' and 'I do'. It was such a magnificent dream, but keep in mind fairy tells have an expiration date." I force myself to stop. I can taste the bitterness from my words dancing on my tongue. I breathe in deeply. And out again. There is no need to be bitter now.

I started again,"...And as the years went on, things became more difficult; we were faced with more challenges. Among all the fights, small and large, and the women throwing themselves upon him, raising our children, facing discrimination, his job, in the end, was our severest challenge to overcome. Alfred had an overwhelming, burning desire for justice. It is what led him to become an officer of the law, a fatal career choice it seems. Alfred had many close calls but it was only just last year that he nearly died from an arrest gone wrong. Things were different after that, but at the same time, it was like nothing had changed. It had left both of us scarred and scared. But he kept on going. He wasn't going to stop until something forced him to and even then he would struggle on.

That evening, on the night he died, I begged him to stay at home. I truly was panicked. It was that day that my fear had over taken me. I was afraid he wouldn't come home. I had this horrible gut-wrenching feeling. I wanted him to attempt to remember what we had in the beginning and just quit before he died.

All he said that night was, 'Arthur I won't ever leave you if I have the choice. Don't worry so much. It'll just be a simple patrol tonight. I promise. I love you. Plus what's the worst that happen?' He smiled and departed.

That cocky bastard," I wavered. _Maybe if I_ _had forced him to stay maybe... No stop it. Finish the damn speech. _

I press on, "Alfred was charismatic,

he was magnetic,

he was electric,

and everybody_ knew it_.

I mean why else would so many people be here, he affected all of you in some way or another.

When he walked into any room, anywhere really, every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He had this power that pulled everyone to him, he really was amazing. With his words I truly believe he could make any disbeliever believe in God. He could have been a poet, but he left that for me. Now that he's gone I can hardly find any words that would give him was my muse. Now that he's gone, all of those magnificent word are gone as well.

He was a contradiction. He was obnoxious but sensible. He was an idealist but also realist. He his feet touched the Earth but had his head in the clouds.

He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself. He was the most energetic person I've ever met, and more than likely, will ever meet. He was everywhere and everything. He was a combination of the sky and sea. He will never be held down or taken controlled of. He was limitless. He was infinite.

I always have had the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. There would be no other reason he would purposefully leave. He said so himself. When he saved that child that had been held at gun point and stood in front of her, I can only believe he knew what would happen; he knew he would get hurt; he knew there was a small chance of coming out alive. He knew what was going to happen. They all know what's at stake. He decided to take a bullet, to gamble his life, to save a child, and many others before that, and he was a wonderful, beautiful, _good_ person because of it. But he left all of us behind, he left our life together, and he left our future, and our children as well, but he knew it was for the best... _and in that way I understood him_," There is an intake of breath. I scan across the room and see that poor Elizaveta and Lili are crying and next to them Natalia and Kat. I'm stunned to see Natalia weeping quietly and Kat looking so unfocused and disconnected. It's so unlike them. It's unnerving.

I shake my head and manage to stutter out, "H-he was human. That is what made him beautiful and wonderful. His being human left him the choice of letting that child die and living out his life, or saving a life that could do something incredible in the future. His choices are what made him a beautiful human being.

He was a hero.

I know now that because of him and all that he has given me, I can truly live a life that I will _not_ be ashamed of living. It was my choice to fall in love with another man, and I will never regret meeting him or falling in love with the mysterious individual that was Alfred F. Jones.

_And I loved him for it._

I loved him from the moment he walked into my life, into all of our lives. I'm so damn thankful for it.

I loved him when we said vows in front of you.

I loved him when we held our children in our arms for the first time after the adoption, and cheerfully cried.

And I still love him, even though I never learned what that damn joke was.

I love him until the day I die and then forever and then some more just because he was Alfred F. Jones."

Half of the room is bawling shamelessly by the time I'm done. I rub my eye and I'm surprised that my hand is wet from tears. I don't know when I started crying.

"P-Please come and say your good-byes."

One by one in groups of twos and threes they come up.

First are Matthew and Francis. I truly can only image how they feel. Matthew lost his brother, his twin at that. He has just lost the person he has been with nearly every moment in his entire life. As for Francis, he's known both of them since they were children. Alfred was a brother to them. Matthew is crying again as he leans down to whisper in Alfred's ear. When he's done he turns and clings to Francis for dear life. I nearly feel bad for the bastard, for once he looks confused. He just pulls Matthew closer and places his signature blood-red rose in Alfred's breast pocket. "Merde Alfred, your life should have been so much longer. I'm sorry," Francis utters in a tone that sounds so heart breaking it feels like a stab in chest. Damn frog. He nods to me as he passes. The look he gives me it's not pity but acceptance. It's strange coming from him.

Then it's Kiku and Liên. They both seem completely unattached and distant as they come forward, but with every step that Kiku comes closer his composure is melting bit by bit. When they reach the casket and see Alfred inside, Kiku breakdowns. It's shocking to see the man who is more emotionally reserved then I am, openly wailing and hitting the sides of the coffin. He and Alfred had been so close. They'd known each other almost their entire lives and joined the force together. It's no wonder why Kiku collapses in front of the coffin. His eyes are massive; it's like he just can't grasp what's happening. Liên's eyes are glistening with unshed tears but she's able to hold them at bay until she's able to drag Kiku back to their seats. I watch them as they pass by and as they sit down. Liên griping Kiku's back so tightly her hands turned white. I turn away. Some things shouldn't be observed.

When I look back its Lovino, Feliciano, and Antonio turn. Feliciano disregards any uneasiness and leans over, with tears falling freely down his face, to kiss Alfred's cheek. Lovino just places a pack of cards in his casket. Simultaneously the twins speak, "Buona notte Alfred, dormire sonni tranquilli." They leave and Antonio is left alone. He's carelessly crying. He manages to stutter out, "Adios mi amigo." He turns around and rushes back to his seat, to try to provide some comfort to Lovino and Feliciano.

There are so many faces and apologies they all blur into one massive blot.

It's only when Gilbert and Ludwig say their good-byes that I become aware of reality. Seeing Ludwig lose his cool demeanor and break down in front of Alfred's coffin and Gilbert leaning heavily against Ludwig, being uncharacteristically quiet, it awakens something within me. I feel something that was in the center of my being suddenly crack and shatter into a million pieces. My eyes are prickling painfully and they start to distort everything around me. I feel acidic trails of tears scorch my skin and fall on to my hands. I want to move. I want to stop crying. But I _can't_. Seeing Ludwig, the one person who kept us all in line, crack...it's too much. Watching Kiku fall apart...Natalia crying... Kat and Gilbert not speaking at all… it's not right. It's just not right... What's wrong?

He's dead.

"Daddy, are you okay? What's wrong?" Alice had her petit hand yanking on my sleeve. Her large, watery, brandy colored eyes bore into me. I can't look at her. I can't face her. I can't even tell her what's wrong with this picture; her Father should be here, standing next to us.

"Where's Papa? He'll fix you right, Daddy?" George was holding on to my pant leg, looking around the room, trying to find his papa.

I scoop both of them into my arms and hold them close. "Papa is sleeping right now. It'll be alright. You shouldn't come up here."

"Okay but can you promise he'll wake up soon, Georgie and I don't like it when you cry."

"I'm sorry but I can't promise that."

"Why not, Daddy?"

George is staring right into my eyes. I know I can't lie to him even if I wanted to.

"Because your Papa won't wake up from this kind of sleep."

"I don't get it Daddy."

"It's okay Alice, you'll understand one day."

I carry them back to their seats and set them down. I bend to their level and say, "Please stay here. I need to tell your Papa good night, okay?"

"Why can't we go?"

"Because silly girl, it's what grown ups do. You don't have to worry about it."

"Fine."

I grab a bouquet of lilies and stand. Francis must have noticed the flowers and realized what they mean because Francis lunges up from his seat to grab my arm and he blubbers, "Mon Dieu. Arthur you don't have to do this. You don't need to torture yourself. It's not your fault! Just don't-"

"But it is my fault. Let go of me you git. I need to do this I need to see him…just one more time."

I jerk my arm out of his grasp and slowly start staggering back up to the front to Alfred's coffin. I can see everyone. They all are watching me, walking back up the aisle. I feel their stares on my back. I can hear them gasping. I'm wearing white with my lilies in hand; it's parallel to our wedding, but I'm going to end up alone this time.

In the back of my mind I can hear Alfred laughing at us. _Why are you guys so sad it's just me. Come on! You can do it Artie!_

I reach the casket and see Alfred for the first time since he died. He looks the same, just a tad paler, but it's not him. He's not laughing. He's not smiling. He looks like he's in an unnatural sleep. He's not snoring or mumbling. It can't be real, can it? It's not possible for the man I met to just _leave_… But what more proof do I need? I have his body lying out in front of me. I tuck the lilies under his arm, and I lean over to whisper in his ear, "I love you now and forever and then some more. I told you that when we got married. I still mean it. I will love you always, you damn git. You promised not to leave, but you did any ways. It's not fair! What could I have done to keep you here…I would have sold my soul and shake hands with the devil to keep you…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I feel tears tumble down my face and I see the fall on Alfred's cheek. I kiss him on his lips. They're cold and chapped and unresponsive to mine. He really is gone.

I feel warm hands pull me away. I let them.

"That's enough Arthur. It's time to go. Please let's go," Matthew whispers in my ear.

"Okay."

I'm caught in a whirl wind of emotions.

I can't feel anything.

It hurts.

But it doesn't.

I'm moving but I'm not.

I'm here.

Where am I?

"Daddy, what are they doing to Papa?"

Alice.

"W-what?"

Her voice tugs me back from my thoughts.

I'm in the graveyard.

"What are they doing to papa," she repeats.

"We're putting Papa to rest."

"Why are they putting dirt on him?"

George.

"They're burying him George."

"What if he wakes up? We need to get him out," Alice is nearly shouting and she's tugging on my sleeve hard.

"He said he had work to do! He can't go to sleep!"

"He needs to catch all the bad guys daddy," George is pulling on my other sleeve.

I stare down at booth of them.

"Oh Alice, George…"

"NOOO! PAPA! STOP IT," George screams and let's go of my sleeve to make a run for the grave. I pick him up before he even starts and I do the same to Alice before she gets any ideas. They start screaming and kicking me and hitting me over the head. George try's to throw himself out of my arms; Alice is howling in my ear.

All I can do is rock them and whisper, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorr-"

"I WANT PAPA," Alice screams.

Everyone is staring and giving me pitiful looks.

I just pull them closer. They finally tire themselves out and just cling to me, quietly hiccupped and sniffling into my shirt.

"It's okay. It'll all be okay you'll see."

"Are you for sure Daddy?"

"Yes, Alice I am."

"Are you for sure, for sure?"

"Yes, I'm for sure, for sure. Just wait George; you'll see."

**Many, Many Years later**

"Alice I want you to take your Fathers jacket."

"Really? Are you sure? What about Georgie?"

"He can have Alfred's dog tags. Of course I'm sure."

"Just making sure Dad."

"When is George going to get here?"

"You know him. He's probably got lost trying to find this place. Again…"

A few seconds later George came charging into the room yelling, "I'm here! I made it in time! Suck it Alice Ann Kirkland-Jones Smith!"

"George!"

"Sorry Dad."

"Ha."

"Shut up Alice."

Well some things never change, just the vocabulary I suppose.

"Now that you're here let's get the Will settled. Let's start with the house-"

"Dad you might be old but you're still a little too young to die."

"Son I just had a triple bypass. I don't think I have much longer."

"Dad you're only sixty-four. It's still pretty young. You'll recover."

"Your father was thirty-seven when he died. Compared to that, I'm an old man now. No one is too young to die, Alice."

"Oh Dad."

"Let's just get it over with now so that we can be done by tea time hopefully."

"Can you believe it though? It's been twenty-four years since Papa died."

"Yeesh. We were like four years old then right?"

"Yeah and you two were damn brats about it too."

"HEY."

Soon the morning bled into the afternoon. The Afternoon wore on and between fights between my pregnant daughter and my son, and bruised egos (mostly my sons) we managed to finish all the legal work and have time for some chatting. Until, all too soon, visiting hours were over and they had to leave.

"Well I have to get goin' anyways. I finally got Callie to move in with me! I have to go help her pack and stuff. I'll come by later this week." George stood and started walking to the door.

"Wait, George, I have something for you."

I take the old chain off from around my neck and place it his hand.

"These were your great-grandfather on your father's side. Your father loved those dog tags more than me, so make sure you take good care of them."

"Thanks Dad," He leans down and kisses me cheek, "Thanks for everything."

He turns a walks out the door but not before he yells," Bye Dad! Love you!"

"So where's my present? Hmm?"

"If you tell me what the baby's gender is, I'll tell you where it is."

"What makes you think I know what it is?"

"You've been hinting at it all day dear."

"Have I? Huh. Well it's a girl I'm thinkin' 'bout calling her Virginia. But here's the thing gramps I'm having twins. One boy, one girl."

"Really? That's wonderful, Alice!"

"Thomas fainted when we found out."

"Did he really? Wait, you haven't told me the lads name yet."

"Well we were thinking about Nickolas A. Kirkland-Jones Smith. It's Kinda a mouth full isn't it?"

"What does the 'A' stand for?"

"First tell me where the jacket is."

"Ugh. It's in a black box under my bed at home."

"Okay then," She says as she gathers her things a heads to the door.

She opens it, sighs, and then says, "Stupid George has dibs on your name for his kids, but I have something better. The A, it stands for Alfred."

I can't stop smiling.

She turns and murmurs, "Good night! I'll see you soon, kay? I love you, thank you daddy." Then she walked out and closed the door.

I lay staring at the ceiling for a while. I started to get sleepy. So what did I do? I slept.

Then I was gone.

(~)

I woke up in a clearing feeling thirty years lighter.

"What. The. Bloody. Hell."

"It's about time you got here, Arthur. I've been waiting forever!"

"Alfred?"

* * *

**_(AN) _**

**_What can I say about this... um I have a lot of feelz...sorry... I swear one day I will write fluff…but today is not that kinda day! I was practically smacked in the face with inspiration at three in the morning to write this. I was so pissed (hey I like my sleep) but I couldn't just let it die on me so I wrote until the sun rose. Oh and the video I mention below*** was also a godsend when half way through this I got writers block. On another note I was getting so frustrated with trying to find Arthur's "voice". It's just since, well, he is a proper English Gentleman because you know HE'S ENGLAND in which my being American girl might not help, (I caught myself typing yall and ya more than a few times.)but I think I did alright.(Does my worrying make any sense?) ;^^ Uh by the way Liên is Vietnam, I really love that name for her, its sooo pretty, Kat is Ukraine, Alice and George represent the Hawaiian islands, Thomas is Delaware, Callie is California(duh ;p),and the twins are Virginia and West Virginia, just so ya know. ;) _**

**_…. Damn that was a long A/N_**

**_Inspiration songs:_**

**_Human- Christina Perri_**

**_National Anthem (monologue)-Lana Del Rey _**

**_Into the Dark- Sebastian Larsson_**

**_***By the way, on youtube, there is this amazing usuk vid by Kiwiihsan using that monologue. Just look up 'National anthem usuk' and it'll be the first to pop up! (Sorry I don't have the link and I'm too lazy to get it right now) Go check it out! *Cough*NOW*Cough*_**

**_Translations:_**

**_Buona notte Alfred dormire sonni tranquilli: Good night Alfred, sleep well_**

**_I don't wanna do the rest I'm tired._**

**_Drop a review, tell me what you think! ^u^_**

**_~PEACE_**


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